Which beccons a memory of a Sex & The City episode where Charlotte, the more classy, Martha-Stewart-On-Fifth type of character, had similar experiences with horses and, apparently, never really rode again. In this episode, She sees horses all about central park and the good memories spring back.

Of course, the bad memories surged and ended up keeping her off a horse she had rented (and it’s NY, so no rent is cheap!)

Considering that it was not the same horse of her childhood prompted Charlotte, as well as the narrator of the series, Carrie, to consider the deeper aspects that has been keeping her from doing something she so enjoyed, growing up- something at which she, herself, was very good.

Failure. I can’t say I know a whole mess of people who are unscathed by failures in their lives. Worst thing about it is that failure is a confirmation of doubt and fears- not necessarily yours, but those of others around you. And when you have confirmation of a doubt or fear, it can make you do some really unfortunate things.

Like Quit. Like give up your passion- totally put it away because you may have thought or someone else said it was stupid to begin with.

Though I don’t generally have the best follow-thru, I almost never let go of a goal or idea.  I’ve been working on a science fiction story for over a decade- that should clue you in!  I fell off the horse of my dreams of self-employment and making money on my talents and interests, and it still kinda hurts where my heart broke over it- I’m looking at the people around me enjoying their rides and doing well enough on their horses- I feel like I want to try it again!

I’m just scared.   I’m scared of being laughed at by other riders, or teachers who had tried to help me before- seeing that I had follow thru issues, I’m not sure they’d be thrilled to see me around again.  I’m scared I’ll be warned off and berrated again by those I looked to for support, that I won’t be able to find enough support to ever ride seriously again.

or find it in myself to make it my life, again.

But it is my life.  Writing- that’s what I do, that’s what I love and I just don’t feel right when I’m trying to do anything else!  I mean, there’s a lot of other stuff I can do- but writing is my main avenue of enjoyment and ideal for “Making a Living.“

Maybe what I have to figure out… Is it the horse that’s the problem, even though it’s a different horse than I had to let go of…  Is it the horse that’s the problem- or is it me?  Someone needs to come down, someone needs to look at themselves, look at the good that was there that made them feel enthused and alive, and say to themselves- “It’s okay, you can do it!”

But there don’t seem to be a lot of talking horses out there…

One Response

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1. 

   Regina

   I think that what you have hit on here is that everyone has that “horse story.” The one thing that prevented them from trying again. How do you get back on the horse? If writing is what you love then you’re halfway there. Find your passion and then find a way for that passion to earn you a living. Don’t stop until you find it.

   August 28, 2009 at 14:06